Monty Python: Return of the King

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Monty Python: Return of the King

Postby Hstaphath_XC » Wed Sep 29, 2004 1:19 pm

Return of the King: Narrative Interlude

Denethor's Madness

Narrator: With the city besieged in a ring of foes, the Rammas broken, all the Pelennor abandoned to the enemy, and his only surviving son about to die from wounds after being sent forth on a foolish sortie at his command, the last remaining slim thread of Denethor's sanity snaps. With a confused Pippin standing watch nearby, Denethor begins to build a funeral pyre out of Faramir's bed.
Denethor: We must burn. All of us must burn. Only through flame will I find sanctuary... no tomb! No tomb for Denethor and Faramir, we will burn like heathen kings of old!
Pippin: I get the feeling someone is about to cause serious property damage and, for a change, it isn't me-- I better go get Gandalf!


Narrator: Pippin managed to find Gandalf and Beregond of the Citadel Guard just in the nick of time. Bursting in on Denethor just as he was about to set himself and his unconscious son Faramir aflame.
Gandalf: Stay this madness!
Denethor: ... burning-- already burning! Ash! We shall all be ash and smoke upon the wind!
Narrator: It was at this point that Gandalf had finally had enough of Denethor's dementia and personally put him out of his misery.
Gandalf: I did no such thing!
Narrator: Yes you did.
Gandalf: He had an accident!
Narrator: You threw him down 3 flights of stairs and kicked him through half a mile's worth of hallway...
Gandalf: He tripped!
Narrator: ... and loaded him into a catapult.
Gandalf: He was very clumsy for a Steward!
Narrator: Then set him on fire...
Gandalf: I thought he had asked me to light his pipe, I hadn't even noticed he was covered in flammable oil!
Narrator: ... and launched him straight over the wall and into a mass of orcs.
Pippin: Hey now, I was just curious about what that lever thingie was for!
Gandalf: We have witnesses that back up our version of things, you know!
Narrator: Fine, fine. The important thing we can agree on, however, was that Faramir was saved and the madness of Denethor was at last at an end.
Gandalf: I perceive the evil touch of our enemy in Denethor's insanity... I have long suspected that the Steward had fallen prey to using the seeing stone of Minas Tirith. It was in this way that the Sauron snared him as with Saruman.
Pippin: How could he have done this to a great Lord of men like Denethor?
Gandalf: He uses... sarcasm. He knows all the tricks; dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire. He is vicious!
Pippin: Compared to that, I got off lucky when he caught me prank calling him.
Gandalf: Indeed, but this would have taken weeks to twist a mind so thoroughly. Had you noticed anything unusual about Denethor recently, Beregond?
Beregond: About him? I should say not. Well, except maybe that Lord Denethor was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as "Spiny Norman."
Gandalf: Spiny Norman?!
Pippin: Just how big was this giant "Norman" creature?
Beregond: Normally Spiny Norman was wont to be about twelve feet from snout to tail, but when Denethor was really depressed Norman could be anything up to eight hundred yards long. When Norman was about, Denethor would go very quiet and start wobbling and his nose would swell up and his teeth would move about and he'd get very violent and claim that he'd laid Martha Stewart.
Pippin: Hoy!
Gandalf: Hoy, indeed!
Beregond: Lately, Denethor had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman. He had come to the conclusion that, with Norman being a hedgehog, only fire would keep him away.
Gandalf: Ahhhh... this explains much.
Pippin: And puts a whole new spin on the term "flaming idiot" as well!
(on that sad note, Gandalf and Pippin walk back out to the walls of the Citadel to witness the latest attack on the city's main gates... hoping against hope for some sign of Rohan's riders somewhere on the horizon)


Hedgehog: Denethor?


Hedgehog: Denethor? Denethor? Denethor?
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Monty Python: Return of the King

Postby Hstaphath_XC » Tue Oct 19, 2004 11:58 pm

Return of the King: Scene 9

On the way to Cirith Ungol

Narrator: The silent watchers of Cirith Ungol are uneasy. Something has slipped... spies are feared to be on the Stairs! The order is given for double vigilance and patrols are sent from Cirith Ungol and Minas Morgul to Torech Ungol.


Narrator: Arriving at the scene of Sam's encounter with Shelob, Gorbag and his group of orcs from Minas Morgul meet up with Shagrat's patrol from Cirith Ungol. Together, they find a prize worthy of Lugburz (Sauron's fortress of Barad-dur in the black speech). Elvish, but undersized it looks. A midget? No... a halfling? Yes-- a hobbit! Quickly, the orcs move to take their surprising find to the Tower of Cirith Ungol for safekeeping. Samwise Gamgee, barely avoiding detection, follows close behind.
Gorbag: Hey Shagrat, I wish to register a complaint.
(Shagrat ignores him)
Gorbag: Hey puss-face!
Shagrat: What do you mean "puss-face?"
Gorbag: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Shagrat: Well I'm thinking about lunch.
Gorbag: Never mind that, Shagrat. I wish to complain about this halfling what we picked up not half an hour ago from Shelob's pit.
Shagrat: Oh yes, the, uh, the furry footed blue thing... What's, uh... What's wrong with it?
Gorbag: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, Shagrat. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Shagrat: No, no, he's-- uh... he's resting.
Gorbag: Look, garn you, I know a dead midget when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Shagrat: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable halfling, the Furry Footed Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful pallor!
Gorbag: The pallor has everything to do with it. It's stone dead.
Shagrat: No-no-no-no, no, no! 'E's resting!
Gorbag: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting into Frodo's ear) 'Ello, Mister Jolly Hobbitt! I've got a lovely little teacake for you if you...
(Shagrat kicks Frodo)
Shagrat: There, he moved!
Gorbag: No, he didn't, that was you kicking him!
Shagrat: I never!!
Gorbag: Yes, you did!
Shagrat: I never, never did anything...
Gorbag: (yelling and slapping Frodo repeatedly) 'ELLO HOBBIT!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock wake-up call!
(Picks Frodo up and thumps his head on the nearby rock wall. Stands him up and watches him fall over.)
Gorbag: Now that's what I call a dead midget.
Shagrat: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Gorbag: STUNNED?!?
Shagrat: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Furry Footed Blues stun easily, Gorbag.
Gorbag: Um... now look... now look, Shagrat, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That halfling is definitely deceased, and when we found it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was temporary due to it bein' stung by Shelob following a prolonged scuffle.
Sam: Wait a minute... Frodo isn't dead?
Shagrat: Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the smials.
Gorbag: PININ' for the SMIALS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?! Look, why did he just fall flat on his back the moment I let him go?
Shagrat: The Furry Footed Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Lazy little bugger, id'nit? Lovely pallor!
Gorbag: Look, I took the liberty of examining this halfling as we've been marching along and I discovered the only reason that he was even holding his head up in the first place was that he is still half bound with Her Ladyship's cords.
Shagrat: Well, o'course he's still bound! If I hadn't left him wrapped up he would have waited 'til we were distracted, made a break for it, and VOOM! Free as a bird!
Sam: ... he isn't dead?!
Gorbag: "VOOM?!?" Utter bollocks, this halfling wouldn't "voom" if you poured hot lava down his shorts! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Shagrat: No no! 'E's pining!
Sam: He isn't dead!?!
Gorbag: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This midget is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet the floggin' Valar! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e's an orc entree! If you hadn't left 'im bound 'e'd be pushing up the mushrooms! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's bit the bolt! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run up the tower and hugged the bleedin' Dark Lord! THIS IS AN EX-HOBBIT!!!
Shagrat: Well, I'd better see if I can find another one then. (Shagrat and his men take another look around the area) Sorry Gorbag, we've had another look 'round and uh, we're right out of halflings. We did strip this one down, though.
Gorbag: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Shagrat: I got a lawn gnome.
Gorbag: Does it have furry feet?
Shagrat: No, not really.
Gorbag: Well, it's hardly a bloody replacement, IS IT?!?
Shagrat: N-no, I guess not.
Gorbag: Well.
Shagrat: D'you... d'you want to come back to my place?
Gorbag: Yeah, all right.
Sam: All I had to do... was check for a pulse... or maybe just give him... MOUTH TO MOUTH RESUSITATION?!?!!! Aaaaarrrgggghhh!!!


Narrator: Flying into a homicidal rage, Samwise Gamgee, the gentle gardener from the Shire, slaughters over a hundred orcs within mere minutes. Only a badly wounded Shagrat (clutching Bilbo's old mithril shirt taken from Frodo) manages to escape the massacre.
Shagrat: He was a mighty warrior of vengeful doom, I'm telling you! Eight feet tall at least with a stinging sword of blue flame! He must be one of those bloody handed Elves or maybe a filthy tark like those cursed brothers Boromir and Faramir! Run for your lives minions of Mordor! Run!!!
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Monty Python: Return of the King

Postby Hstaphath_XC » Sun Oct 24, 2004 12:30 am

Return of the King: Scene 10

Battle of the Pelennor Fields

Narrator: All hope was fading for the defenders of Minas Tirith. A mighty battering ram enchanted by dark magic was breaking through the previously impregnable gates of the city while the outer walls were being overrun. Just as the city began to fall to Sauron's horde, a sound was heard from the north that neither besieger nor defender expected to hear... the wildly blowing battle horns of Rohan.


Theoden: Arise, arise Riders of Theoden! The enemy is at the very gates of our ally and our lands are to be next! This shall be our day, a red day ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now to Gondor!


Narrator: Roaring like a breaker foaming to the shore, the Rohirrim rode to battle. All manner of orcs, Easterlings, Variags, Southrons, and Haradrim were driven and slaughtered before them. Clearing the northern half of the Pelennor of Sauron's forces and reaching the great Causeway Road that runs from the gate of Minas Tirith to the river, King Theoden calls the knights of his house to him.

Theoden: To me! To me Eorlingas!
Rohirrim: Hh. Uhh. Look out.
Theoden: Alright then. Deorwine, Fastred, and Widfara, you take the buggers on the left flank. Herubrand, Guthlaf, and I...
Rohirrim: Uhh. Ahh.
Theoden: ... will go for the chieftain of the Haradrim.
Guthlaf: Right, sire.
Deorwine: Oh, hang on a tick.
Guthlaf: Yeah.
Deorwine: You'll never make it, sire. Let us come with you.
Theoden: Do as you're told, man!
Deorwine: Of course, Theoden King. Oh, I-- if we-- if we don't meet again, sire, I'd just like to say it's been a-- it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you.
Theoden: Yes, well...
Guthlaf: Yeah.
Theoden: I think this is... hardly the time or place for a good-bye speech, eh? Hah.
Deorwine: No. No, me and the lads realize this, sire, but, well...
Theoden: Ehh.
Deorwine: ... we may never meet again, so... I--
Theoden: Yes, all-- all-- all right, Deorwine. Thanks a lot.
Deorwine: No, eh, just a moment, sire.
Guthlaf: Look out!
Deorwine: You see... me and the lads, we've had a little whip-around. We bought you something, sire.
Guthlaf: Ahh.
Deorwine: We bought you this.
(Deorwine presents Theoden with a large golden shield)
Guthlaf: Ah. Hhh.
Theoden: Oh. Well, I-- I don't know what to say. It's a-- it's-- it's a lovely thought. Thank you. Uh, thank you all...
Guthlaf: The honor is ours, sire.
Theoden: But--
Widfara: You're welcome.
Theoden: But I-- I-- I-- I think we'd better get back in the battle now.
Deorwine: Hang on a tick, sire. We got something else for you as well.
Guthlaf: Aah.
Deorwine: Uh.
Rohirrim: Ah. Ah. Ehh...
Deorwine: Sorry, it's another shield... there was a bit of a mix-up. Widfara here thought he was buying the present and Guthlaf and I had already got the other one.
Theoden: Well, it's-- it's beautiful. They're both beautiful.
[pweeng whoosh pweeng]
Widfara: Aah!
Theoden: I-- I think we'd better get moving now...
Deorwine: Oh, and Fas--
Theoden: ... and I'll thank you all properly later on.
Guthlaf: Uhh. Ehh.
Deorwine: Fastred got this for you as well, sire. He didn't know about the others. It's a buckler. Gondorian.
Theoden: Oh, well, now that is thoughtful, Fastred. Good man.
Deorwine: And there's a card, sire, from all of us. Sorry about the blood.
Theoden: Thank you all.
Deorwine: Three cheers for Theoden King. Hip hip--
Rohirrim: Hooray!
Deorwine: Hip hip--
Rohirrim: Hooray!
Deorwine: Hip hip--
Deorwine: Oooooh!
Rohirrim: Hooray!
Theoden: Deorwine! Deorwine!
Deorwine: I-- I'll be all right. Oh, there's just... one other thing, sire. Guthlaf, give him the cheque.
Guthlaf: Oh, yeah. Uhh.
Theoden: Oh, now, this is really going too far.
Guthlaf: Oh. I don't seem to be able to find it, sire. Uhh, it'll be with-- be with the supply column. I'll go and get it.
Theoden: For Eorl's sake, forget it, man!
Guthlaf: You shouldn't have said that, sire. You've hurt his feelings now.
Deorwine: Don't mind me, Guthlaf. Royalty are all the same. One minute it's all "please" and "thank you," and the next... they'll kick you in the teeth!
Fastred: Yeah.
Deorwine: (cough)
Widfara: Let's not give him the cake.
Theoden: I don't want any cake.
Guthlaf: Look... Deorwine cooked it specially for you!
Fastred: Yeah, he saved his rations for weeks, sire.
Theoden: Sorry, I didn't mean to be ungrateful.
Guthlaf: Yeah.
Deorwine: I'll be all right.
Deorwine: Ahh!
Guthlaf: Deorwine, Deorwine! Look at him. He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known. Some nights we would be so saddlesore we could hardly move, but there Deorwine'd be slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and the almonds. I mean, you try working up batter while on horseback! There's love in that cake. This man's love... and this man's care... and this m--
Guthlaf: Aghh!
Theoden: By the Helm of Hammerhand!
Fastred: You heartless old blighter.
Theoden: All right! We will eat the cake! They're right. It's-- It's too good a cake not to eat! Get the... plates and knives, Widfara.
Widfara: Yes, sire. How many plates?
Theoden: Six.
Widfara: Fine.
Widfara: Aahh!
Theoden: Uh.
Widfara: Agh.
Theoden: Oh. Better make it five.
Fastred: Tablecloth, sire?
Theoden: Yes, get the tablecloth.
Fastred: Aaghh! Uh.
Theoden: No, no, no, no. I'll-- I'll get the tablecloth and you'd better get the gate-leg table, Herubrand.
Herubrand: Ohh. Aahh! And the little mats, sire?
Theoden: Yes!
Herubrand: Right away, Theoden King.
Theoden: All right. While you're at it, you'd better get a doily!
Herubrand: I'll bring two, sire, in case one gets scrumpled.
[twang pweeng whoosh]
Theoden: Okay! Eh.

Narrator: Tragically, it was at this moment that the dread witch-king, chief servant of Sauron, and head Nazgul Who Says "Ni" crashed the large putrid winged creature he used as a steed down on Theoden and his doomed horse Snowmane.

Head Nazgul: You dumb oversized bat, Ni! I said "go, go" not "whoa, whoa!"

Narrator: Seeing the Nazgul's attack, a young Rohirrim changes direction toward where Theoden lays. Leaping from the saddle, the fearless knight moves to defend the King's body. The knight's horse, Windfola, continues gallops right past the Nazgul's foul smelling mount... giving no notice to the halfling clinging to it's saddle.

Eowyn: Begone foul dwimmerlaik, lord of carrion! Leave the dead in peace!
Head Nazgul: I beg your pardon... what?
Eowyn: Bugger off, eh!
Head Nazgul: Ni! Come not between a Nazgul and his prey! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Eowyn: Owww! Agh!
Head Nazgul: Do you not know the prophecy that foretells no living man shall ever defeat the Nazgul Who Say "Ni?!" Particularly without any shrubbery in sight!
Eowyn: (removing her helmet) I am no man, foul wraith. I am Eowyn Eomund's daughter, shield maiden of Rohan!


Head Nazgul: Stupid prophecy anyway... you may have a point, but there is one small problem.
Eowyn: What is that?
Head Nazgul: I am now... no longer a Nazgul Who Says "Ni."
[dramatic chord]
Head Nazgul: I am now the Nazgul Who Says "Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv."
Eowyn: What?!
Head Nazgul: Yes-- and as such, in order to defeat me, you must knock down the mighty tower of Barad-dur... with... a herring!
Eowyn: I shall do no such thing!
Head Nazgul: Oh, please!
Eowyn: Knock down a tower with a herring? It can't be done.
Head Nazgul: Aaaugh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
Eowyn: What word?
Head Nazgul: I cannot tell, suffice to say this is one of the words the Nazgul Who Say "Ni" cannot hear.
Eowyn: How can I not say the word if you don't tell me what it is?
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh! You said it again!
Eowyn: What, "is?"
Head Nazgul: Agh! No, not "is." You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying "is" even if undead.
(Merry suddenly appears out of the surrounding chaos)
Eowyn: Merry!
Merry: Lady Eowyn! It is good I found you again.
Head Nazgul: Now he's said the word!
Eowyn: I thought you had left me to ride off to where the battle is thickest.
Merry: No, no. Far from it.
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh! He said the word again!
Merry: Theoden made me swear to stick by your side or I'd be in for it.
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh!
Merry: The ruddy horse just wouldn't stop long enough for me to jump off of it.


Eowyn: Well, it is a wonder you made it back to me.
Head Nazgul: Aaaaugh! Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...
Eowyn: Oh, stop it!
Head Nazgul: ... I cannot hear! Ow! She said it again!
Eowyn: We outnumber it two to one, Merry. Let's get him!
Head Nazgul: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three times I've said "it!" Ohh!
Merry: Right-o, have at it!
[slash chop hack]
Head Nazgul: Aaaaaauuuuuuuugh... what a world... what a world...

Narrator: With King Theoden avenged by the demise of the Head Nazgul Who Says "Ni," the situation went from bad to worse for the army of Minas Morgul. Prince Imrahil led a sortie from the city with every man of Minas Tirith still able to bear arms. However, it was the unexpected arrival of a fleet of black Umbarian ships filled with Aragorn's army of dead showbiz careers that would cast the final spell of disaster for the forces of Mordor.

Aragorn: Listen friends! Do you see all those ugly people over there that would never possibly get top billing? Acting critics, the whole lot of them!
Ghostly Army: Arrr!
Aragorn: Destroy them and your names shall be assured of appearing in the letterbox widescreen extended edition end credits of this feature!
Ghostly Army: Kill... kill... KILL!!!

Narrator: The undead army proved very adept at overwhelming the war-beasts of the Haradrim, much to the happy relief of the Rohirrim and Gondorians that were getting stomped on by them. Of particular note, in an amazing display of Elven dexterity and audacity, Legolas managed to single handedly bring down one of the giant "Mumakils" himself.


Legolas: (sliding down the dying Oliphaunt's trunk) Yabba dabba doo!
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Monty Python: Return of the King

Postby Hstaphath_XC » Thu Oct 28, 2004 10:46 pm

Return of the King: Narrative Interlude

An Interview With C.J.R. Tolkien

Narrator: Picture for Schools featuring Christopher John Reuel Tolkien, take seventeen.


Director: Action!
Christopher Tolkien: After Samwise's valiant rescue of Frodo, the pair made their way into the very heart of Mordor disguised by means of armor and coverings scavenged from the slain orcs of Minas Morgul and Cirith Ungol. Taking advantage of the broken and twisted landscape of the haunted plain of Gorgoroth, they made their way to the foot of ominous Orodruin... the dread mountain of fire that was their destination. Yet, with each passing step, the burden of the ring became ever more impossibly grievous for poor Frodo to bear. So great was the evil power of the One Ring near the cursed place of it's making that it is very telling to know Samwise never returned the pocket change taken from Frodo during the brief time he carried the precious ring. For his part, Frodo never bothered much about what became of his pocket money and afterwards always assumed the orcs must have made off with it. This act would, unfortunately, haunt and gnaw away at the otherwise faithful and steadfast Samwise Gamgee's soul through the many remaining years of his long life...
[clop clop clop]
(What appears to be a Gondorian knight rides up behind C.J.R. Tolkien)
Christopher Tolkien: Now, a clue as to exactly how much pocket change was involved may (or may not) be found in my new upcoming book "The History of Middle-Earth Vol. XXXVII: Grocery Lists, Doodles, Cleaning Receipts, and Other Things my Father Never Possibly Intended to Publish" which will be available at fine bookstores everywhere by the summer of--
Knight: Aaaahaa!


C.J.R.'s Wife Baillie: Chris!

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Monty Python: Return of the King

Postby Hstaphath_XC » Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:53 pm

Return of the King: Scene 11

Lunch Reservations for 7,000

Narrator: With victory on the fields of the Pelennor, the great Captains of the West meet to discuss their next move.


Gandalf: We must gather what forces we may and advance against Mordor. There is no other option. Our one frail chance lies in keeping the Eye from seeing his true peril. Whether in wisdom, folly, or drunken delirium brought on by Elrond's best wine, the plain fact is that the ring has been sent into the very heart of Sauron's realm and we must follow the path set before us. I personally believe we will undoubtedly perish utterly in this diversion, nonetheless, we must go on as we have begun.
Imrahil: The men have gone beyond the limits of mortal endurance and are in dire need of rest and provision. Also, the people of the city desperately need attending to. It will take at least a month to organize such an endeavor.
Aragorn: Not to mention that the defenses of the city have been breached. We must at least see to some sort of repair of the main gates though the craftsmanship of Gondor is not what it once was.
Gimli: There still is such skill to attend them among my kin in the Kingdom of Dain. You would be well served in seeking the wrights of the Mountain to restore the splendor of Minas Tirith.
Legolas: As well as sending for Silvan elves of the Green Wood to cultivate gardens and parks to rekindle life, beauty, and joy here once again.
Aragorn: It is plain that an urban planning committee should be assembled with all manner of urgency.
Gandalf: But, but... there is no time for any of this yet!
Eomer: My lords, there is one other minor matter I would bring to your attention to consider, if I may. My sister Eowyn is here and making a speedy recovery in the houses of healing.
Imrahil: What does that--
Gimli: She is looking for a husband.
Legolas: One of noble birth.
Imrahil: My men will be ready within the hour.
Gandalf: There is not a moment to lose.
Aragorn: Yes, we flee-- errr... "leave" immediately!

Narrator: Moving with amazing speed and order, Aragorn led the host of the West from the city to the Black Café of Mordor in a mere 10 days. The fact that those without horses ran nearly the whole distance certainly helped.


Narrator: On a side note, the only man of noble birth left in all of Minas Tirith was the badly wounded Faramir (who, coincidentally, was placed in the room next to Eowyn's in the houses of healing).

Eowyn: (whispering softly) Hello handsome... I understand you are the new Steward of Gondor, yes?


Faramir: Who-- Wha-- What are you doing?!
Eowyn: Shhh... lay still. Your wounds are grievous and Lady Eowyn is here to make it all better.
Faramir: (sob) Mercy!

Narrator: Arriving at the Black Café, Gandalf was relieved to hear that Aragorn had thought ahead and used the palantir to call for reservations.

Maitre D: Ah, good afternoon, sirs, and welcome to ze Restaurante Morannoni. How are we today?
Aragorn: Fine, thank you. We have a lunch reservation for "Strider and Warparty."
Maitre D: (consulting a notepad) A thousand pardons, monsieurs, but you do not appear to be on ze list... do you have a confirmation number?
Aragorn: A what?
Maitre D: A confirmation number, monsieur.
Aragorn: I wasn't given any blasted number!
Maitre D: I apologize most sincerely, but I am afraid zat I can not let you in.
Gandalf: Is there someone in management we can speak to?
Maitre D: Oh, monsieur, I assure you zat I am ze Maître D'bouche Sauron. You could try leaving a complaint with ze Dark Lord, but I confess he is very indisposed with jewelry shopping at ze moment.
Aragorn: Then you leave us no choice but to gain entry by force!
Imrahil: My liegelord Aragorn, I would caution that the staff of this establishment alone outnumbers our forces.
Eomer: Not to mention that the Waiters of Restaurante Morannoni are one of the rudest and most feared fighting forces in all of Middle Earth.
Gandalf: Which, naturally, is why Sauron uses them in this manner to guard the main entrance to his land.
Aragorn: Fine. I see we have no option but to withdraw for now.
Maitre D: Thank you so much. So nice to see you and I hope very much we will see you again very soon. Au revoir, monsieurs!
Gimli: Please tell me you didn't make me wear a tie for nothing.
Legolas: A bath wouldn't have been amiss with you either. Still, I am very disappointed that we didn't even get a chance to look at a menu. I hear the appetizers here are to die for.
Gimli: Heh. Perhaps you could have ordered the lot of them mixed up in a bucket to go?
Legolas: No chance of that. One can never be sure if they are skimping on the pate that way, you know.
Gandalf: Aragorn! I have a plan.


[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]
[rrrr rrrr rrrr]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
Wait Staff: (whispering) Allo? C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
Aragorn: What happens now?
Gandalf: Well now, uh, Legolas, Gimli, and I wait until nightfall. Then we leap out of the rabbit... taking the Maitre D and his foul waitrons by surprise. Not only by surprise, but with unhindered access to that cursed reservations list!
Aragorn: Who leaps out?
Gandalf: U-- u-- uh, Legolas, Gimli, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...
Aragorn: Ohh.
Gandalf: Oh. Um, l-- look... if we built this large wooden badger--
Aragorn: Run away!
Army of the West: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
Pippin: Oh bugger. Now why didn't I just stay back in Gondor with Merry?


Gimli: Pippin!
Wait Staff: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...
Maitre D: To arms, mes amis, destroy ze uncouth defilers of our 5 star café!
Pippin: (underneath the wreckage of the wooden rabbit) We. Are. So. Screwed.
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Monty Python: Return of the King

Postby Hstaphath_XC » Tue Dec 14, 2004 9:32 am

Return of the King: Scene 12

Expecting the Unexpected

Narrator: Having made their way to the fiery mountain of Orodruin, Samwise struggles valiantly to carry Frodo to the very entrance of the Sammath Naur... the Chambers of Fire where the One Ring was forged. Entering within, as with Isildur so long ago, all that is left to seal the Dark Lord's doom is but to cast the ring down among the eternally raging fires of the volcano's abyss.


Frodo: On second thought, I think I will keep the ring.
Sam: Pardon?
Frodo: I do not choose to do the task we came here for. The ring is mine.
Sam: (thoroughly puzzled) I don't understand what you're saying, Mr. Frodo. This can't be right.
Gollum: (jumping out of the shadows) Wicked masster! Wicked masster cheats us, cheats poor Smeagol-- gollum! Give it to Smeagol, yesss, give the Preciouss to usss!
Sam: Back off, stinker, neither of you should have it. The ring is evil and MUST be destroyed!
Frodo: So both of you would take it from me?! I really didn't expect some kind of Khandish Inquisition.
(jarring chord)
(a side door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of the Variags enters, flanked by junior Cardinals Biggles and Fang)


Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Khandish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency. Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Dark Lord. Our four... no... amongst our weapons... amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise-- I'll come in again.
(exit and exeunt)
Frodo: I didn't expect some kind of Khandish Inquisition.
(jarring chord)
(the cardinals burst in again)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Khandish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Sauron, and nice red uniforms--
(freeze scene)


(scene unfreezes)
Ximinez: Now, Frodo Baggins! You are accused of heresy on three counts: heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and (most obviously) heresy by action. Four counts. Do you confess?
Frodo: I rather didn't understand any of that, actually.
Sam: We're innocent!
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(superimposed caption: DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER)
Biggles: We'll soon change your minds about that!
(superimposed caption: DIABOLICAL ACTING)
Ximinez: Yes! We shall make you understand the error of your ways! Biggles, fetch... THE CUSHIONS!
(jarring chord)
(Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, hobbit... you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of flossing, reject the clothing fashion trends of the elves... two last chances. Relinquish the ring... three last chances. That's three. And you shall be free... four last chances. You have four last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Frodo: (shrug) I really don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it... Cardinal! Poke him with the soft cushions!
(Biggles ruthlessly pokes Frodo with the cushions)
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hmmm! This halfling is made of sterner stuff! Cardinal Fang, fetch... THE COMFY CHAIR!
(jarring chord)
Fang: (horrified) The... Comfy Chair?
(Biggles pushes in a really plush comfy chair)
Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put him in the Comfy Chair!
(Frodo is roughly pushed into the Comfy Chair)
Ximinez: (with a cruel leer) Now... you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time with only a cup of tea at eleven. (aside to Biggles) Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, hobbit. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!
(Gandalf bursts in)
Gandalf: NO, NO, NO-- stop at once! This is silly.
Ximinez: What's silly?


Gandalf: The whole premise is silly and it's very badly written. I'm the senior Istari at hand and I should already be rescuing Frodo and Sam with the help of the giant eagles I just parked outside. You've wasted far to much time with this nonsense, so I'm stopping it.
Ximinez: You can't do that!
Gandalf: I've done it. The Inquisition sketch is over.
Biggles: But, please sir, what if we promised to hurry things along a bit?
Gandalf: Look, I simply can NOT be arsed... your parts are over, so get out of shot. Good. Director! Close up. Zoom in on--
(camera starts to zoom in on Gandalf)
Gandalf: Wait for it!
(camera zooms back out)
Gandalf: Right. Zoom in on Frodo and Gollum.
(camera zooms in)
Gandalf: (off screen) That's better.
Ximinez: (off screen) The general public's not going to understand this, are they?
Gandalf: (off screen) Shut up! Now, let's see here... quick version. Frodo puts on the ring.
Frodo: (invisible) The ring is mine forever! Muwahaha! Top of the world, ma! All shall love me and despair!
Sam: (off screen) Are there honestly any fangirls left that don't?
Gandalf: (off screen) Shhh! But Gollum manages to grab hold of Frodo and bite off the finger wearing the One Ring.
Frodo: Ow!!! That bloody damn well hurt!
Gandalf: (off screen) Unfortunately for Gollum, his crazed victory dance causes him to topple right over the brink of the chasm and into the fiery depths of Orodruin.
Gollum: (oblivious and gleefully happy) Precious! My Preciousss, O my Pre--
(a short deathly silent pause)
(suddenly, Orodruin erupts in violent catastrophic fury)
Gandalf: That's that, then. Time to go!
(the giant eagles Gwaihir and Landroval fly off carrying Gandalf and the two hobbits to safety)
Biggles: (off screen) Those wankers just up and left us here!
Fang: (off screen) "Dibs" on dying in the comfy chair...
Ximinez: (off screen) Well, I must admit I didn't expect this.
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Monty Python: Return of the King

Postby Hstaphath_XC » Tue Dec 14, 2004 10:22 am

Return of the King: Scene 13


Narrator: Drums rolled as all the doors of the Dark Lord's Restaurante Morannoni flew open. Rapidly, the dread waitrons of the Black Café streamed forth to surround the upstart Army of the West. Out of the gathering black clouds overhead, the 8 remaining Nazgul Who Say "Ni" arrived on their foul winged beasts to join in the anticipated coming slaughter.


Aragorn: (looking around desperately) Where in blazes has Gandalf gone off to?!
Eomer: He just left with some eagle friends of his that dropped by. He was cursing, very inventively I might add, about something or other taking to long.

Narrator: It was at that moment Sauron's doom struck home.

Sauron: I can't believe I didn't see this com-- Ulk!

Narrator: The ground shook and buckled as if an overwhelming wave roared and crashed throughout all of Mordor. The mighty feasting rooms of Restaurante Morannoni tottered and caved in. Even the reknowned al fresco dining area crumbled apart as the Black Café collapsed in total ruin. Beyond, in the far distance, vast spires of fire leaped from Mount Doom as the mighty fortress of Barad-dur was torn asunder.

Maitre D: Ze Café is gone! Il ne peut pas être... mes amis, save what you can!
Aragorn: Now is our chance, we shall attack at once!
Imrahil: Yes, my liegelord!
Aragorn: Stand by for attack!
[exciting music]


[music stops]
Maitre D: Ohhh, quel dommage...
Aragorn: Today the blood of many a valiant knight of Gondor and Rohan shall be avenged. In the name of the sacred Valar...
Maitre D: Over here, Gaston. Go get ze cleaning woman... and maintenant.
Aragorn: ... we shall not stop our fight until every servant of Sauron lies dead and the black lands of Mordor are cleansed of his foul taint!
Maitre D: (crying pitifully) Ze moules marinieres... pate de foie gras... tart de poireaux... oeufs de caille Peter Jackson-- ruined! Tout est perdu, tout est perdu...
Aragorn: Ready then-- CHARGE!
Army of the West: Huzzah!
[police sirens]
C.J.R.'s Wife Baillie: Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.
Inspector: Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.
Officer Duggan: All right. Come on. Back.
C.J.R.'s Wife Baillie: Get that one!
Inspector: Right, keep your hands on the car please-- What have we here, eh?!


Officer Carr: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
Inspector: Put the elf in the van.
Officer Smith: Clear off. Come on.
Legolas: With whom?!
Inspector: Which one?
Officer DeVille: Oh-- this one.
Inspector: Come on. Put him in the van too.
Officer Keli: Get a blanket.
Officer Gardner: We have no hospital.
Random: Ahh.
Random: Ooh.
Officer Dannenberg: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
Officer O'Toole: Run along! Run along!
Officer Givings: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.
Officer Carey: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
Inspector: Everything?
Officer Burleson: All right, shorty. That's enough. Just pack that axe in.


Gimli: Flûk nin!

(Meanwhile, flying past high above)

Frodo: So, the quest is finally at an end and there is one bloody hell of a mess to clean up. What else could possibly happen to us now?
Gandalf: I'll tell you what... listen to this.
Frodo: Okay...
Gandalf: Whenever you wish for the end, dear friend,
And things seem hard or tough,
When friends and foes alike are stupid or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enough...
Just remember that you escaped on an eagle, unlike Smeagol,
Who just roasted in a burning lake of fire,
But since this movie is quite long, we leave off with this song,
And just skip the whole "scouring of the Shire."
Riding here with me and your old pal Sam Gamgee,
We can still recap the story as I sing,
In an effort to define you as the one we all admire,
For destroying the power of the Ring.
Our fellowship itself, comprised a dwarf and an elf,
Who playfully fought in battles side by side.
Four hobbits we had indeed, a bit over-fond of pipeweed,
Two of which caused such mischief I could scarce abide.
With Boromir and his horn, and the true King Aragorn,
We wouldn't have had a full set without including me,
And together we've been on a crazed record breaking ride,
In this amazingly lucrative trilogy.
The gaze of the Eye kept on searching and searching,
In all of the directions the Ring could be.
Hence we put on quite a show, since we parted ways, you know,
A grand theatric ruse, while you were the peril it failed to see.
So remember, though you can only count to 9 on your hands,
How amazingly valuable is your worth.
Just pray there are good endorsement deals in the undying lands,
'Cause there's bugger over here in Middle Earth!
The End
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Monty Python: Return of the King

Postby Hstaphath_XC » Tue Dec 14, 2004 10:58 am

Return of the King: Narrative Conclusion

Appendix G

Narrator: The appendixes at the conclusion of the Red Book of Westmarch go on aimlessly about ancient royal lineages, contradictory chronologies, the extended family tree of every hobbit that managed to be at Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party, comparative calendar systems, and an exhaustive discussion of the proper pronunciation and grammar of nearly every language used in Middle Earth. Rather than ramble our way through all that drivel in this re-telling, let us skip straight ahead to what all of you REALLY want to know. Namely, what truly became of the nine companions that comprised the Fellowship of the Ring after the successful completion of their quest. Please note that, since this is an appendix, we shall go about it alphabetically to show no favoritism or displeasure (actual or implied) of a particular member of the Fellowship.

(aka: Strider, Estel, Elessar Telcontar, Envinyatar, The King, etc...)
As part of an agreement with Master Elrond for the posting of bail money, Aragorn married Arwen Evenstar and rightfully claimed the throne of Gondor. This particular move, becoming King, was useful in protecting him with diplomatic immunity from any further legal action. It's good to be the King, but taking yet another new name surely didn't hurt considering the problems Middle Earth's police forces had with updating paperwork in those days.
Though truly blessed and beloved in his iron-clad eternally binding marriage to Elrond's daughter Arwen, Aragor-- Errr... I mean... "Elessar" was very personally disappointed to discover that elves only have sex once every seven years no matter how fond of kissing, hugging, and ear fondling they are. Worse still, elven women seem to virtually loose all interest in such vulgar expressions of affection entirely after the birth of their first child. One must admit that this does go far in explaining the extreme rarity of human-elf relationships in the long annals of Middle Earth history (not to mention why there never seemed to even remotely be enough elves around given their lifespans).
There is only one recorded instance when this particular... frustration is known to have actually influenced the King's capacity to make decisions in any way. That was when Elessar sent Faramir, Steward of Gondor, off to Ithilien as Lord of Emyn Arnen along with his new wife Lady Eowyn of Rohan because (and I quote), "those two going at it like bleeding rabbits all ruddy day and all ruddy night is driving me raving mad!"
King Elessar Telcontar would also became renowned late in life for his raising of exceptional horses. This interest certainly served to further bring the kingdoms of Rohan and Gondor closer together. Elessar's most prized stallion after the passing away of Hasufel was one called Hidalgo (the name translating roughly from Sindarin as "he who runs with great urgency across very hot sand").

Unbeknownst to his compatriots (or even his dear brother Faramir), Lord Boromir did not die after going over the Falls of Rauros. Nor did he die after being stung and strung upside down by the foul spider Shelob in her lair of Torech Ungol. It came to pass that Boromir was eventually discovered by a group of orc children who immediately nicknamed the proud warrior "Mr. Piñata." Sadly (after a few birthday parties in Cirith Ungol), no further mention, sighting, or rumor of Boromir is ever again made.

Frodo Baggins
Having paid the heaviest price of any of the hobbits on the quest, Frodo tried afterwards to retire in peace and quiet at Bag End to write this Tale of the Ring. He also spent many a long hour desperately trying to make sense of Bilbo's incomplete scribblings.
Deciding one day to leave several months in advance for the Havens of Mithlond to await completion of the ship being built to take him to the undying lands, Frodo surprised Sam and his new bride Rosie Cotton by giving Bag End and all his remaining wealth to them. Only in the undying lands would he ever fully be healed of the terrible hurts inflicted on him during his time as Ring-bearer and poor Frodo could hardly wait to get there.
While staying in a small beach house on the Gulf of Lune, Frodo continued working on his composition and even found time (with the aid of a discarded wooden board from Cirdan's shipyard) to invent a pastime known as "wave riding." This rapidly caught on with many of the younger elves living near the Grey Havens and together they even developed a particular language of terms to use for this new sport upon the water. Frodo himself was always regarded as the best of the wave riders even given the wondrous dexterity of his elven friends. It is a matter of record in numerous sources of the time how infamous he was among them for his "hang nine" maneuver while "threading the eye" of a "choice" wave.
During a "righteous" day of wave riding, Frodo befriended a dolphin of unusually keen intelligence whom he lovingly named Flipper. It is a testament to Flipper's loyalty to Frodo that Flipper followed the ship carrying Frodo, Bilbo, Elrond, Galadriel, and Gandalf all the way to the undying lands and did happily reside near it's shores and wave riding friend forever more.

(aka: Mithrandir, Tharkun, Olorin, and several others names no longer remembered)
With his labors finally complete and still having a good bit of time to kill before leaving Middle Earth, Gandalf started a highly successful delivery service aided by the Great Eagles of the Misty Mountains. If you needed to get something from Edoras to Minas Tirith and it absolutely HAD to be there overnight, FEDEX (First Eagle Delivery Express) was the way to go.
Unfortunately, FEDEX became wildly in demand and the Eagles of the North unionized after only 6 months to demand higher wages and a better veterinary plan. Rather than give in, Gandalf closed the business and sold off his client list to his fellow wizard Radagast the Brown's struggling parcel delivery service (you may have heard his motto, "what can Brown do for you?").
It was shortly after closing FEDEX that Gandalf launched another commercially successful endeavor with a chain of bistros selling "Middle Earth's Largest Buffalo Wings!" It was at this time that several scholars noted an alarming decrease in the population of northern eagles. Soon after the last of the Great Eagles disappeared from the Misty Mountains, Gandalf closed his eateries citing "problems with our supplier."
While consequently being sought out for serious questioning by Eriador's Animal Species Protection and Conservation Agency (ASPCA), Gandalf was last seen in Middle Earth looking for a fast ship heading west.

After helping see to the repair of Minas Tirith, Gimli returned to Helm's Deep in Rohan to fully explore the Glittering Caverns of Aglarond. At his suggestion, the Rohirrim of the Deeping Coomb held a spring music festival there after a heavy rainstorm threatened to cancel the festivities. In a bizarre combination of the lighting effects of the caves, Gimli's combat move inspired dancing, and the harmonic stylings of a new bardic group called the "B and G's" - Diskho was born.
Catching on like wildfire, the Diskho craze kept Gimli busy hosting dance and music competitions as well as overseeing the production of glittering stone Diskho balls for export to feast halls throughout Middle Earth. Unfortunately (or thankfully depending upon your taste), Diskho proved to be a relatively short lived fad and Gimli eventually found himself in need of something to do.
Working for a while as an assistant to the famed archeologist Irensaga Jones, Gimli was directly responsible for the recovery of many lost artifacts from the 2nd Age before teaming up with Legolas Greenleaf once more.

Having heard for the first time the crying of gulls while traveling with Aragorn and Gimli through the seaward lands of Lebennin, the ancient and mystic sea-longing of his people stirred within Legolas's elven breast. Naturally, he answered the call and turned pirate. Receiving a letter of Marquis from King Elessar, Legolas signed on with a ship in Pelargir called the Black Silmaril to attack and pillage the enemies of Gondor.
So fierce was the Black Silmaril in battle that it became legendary in Umbar and Harad as a deadly ghost ship crewed by undefeatable phantoms. All stuff and nonsense, of course, but there is no denying the contribution the vessel played in finally breaking the power of the southern Corsairs and allowing Gondor to reclaim control of Umbar from the Haradrim.
Meeting up by chance with his old friend Gimli, Legolas convinced the dwarf to join up with him and see if they could follow a strange nautical compass that Gimli had found on one of his archeology expeditions. Supposedly the key to finding the treasure horde of a long lost empire or some such, the peculiar compass didn't point north.
Legolas and Gimli were last seen sailing off into the mists aboard the Black Silmaril.

Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took
(aka: Merry and Pippin)
For two hobbits that started this tale as mere comedic relief, Merry and Pippin did extraordinarily well for themselves. Merry had won great honor and esteem among the Riders of Rohan who named him Holdwine in their language. A hobbit with the name "hold wine" might seem redundant, but it would always be a source of pride for him. Merry wedded Estella Bolger and later succeeded his father Saradoc as Master of Buckland.
As for Pippin, having been knighted by King Elessar for his services to Gondor, it was often wondered by hobbits who saw him regularly whether he ever took his fancy arms and armor off even to sleep. He eventually married Mistress Diamond of Long Cleeve and managed to became one of the greatest Thains in Shire history.
Together, Merry and Pippin invested heavily in their lifelong love of pipeweed, effectively taking over and expanding the industry. This was an extremely profitable move on their part that went wonderfully for several decades... right up until a research study was released by the Houses of Healing in Minas Tirith directly linking the smoking of pipeweed to several serious health ailments. The avalanche of lawsuits seeking damages was mindboggling, overwhelming, and assuredly bankrupting.
The duo headed to the Havens looking for a boat heading west, but found they had missed the last one by several years. Making their way to Minas Tirith, Merry and Pippin spent their final days living quite happily in the company of King Elessar and Queen Arwen. Of course, the law King Elessar enacted at the beginning of his reign forbidding any member of any law enforcement organization other than the Tower Guards entry into his palace may have had a lot to do with that.

Samwise Gamgee
(aka: Sam)
There are few examples of loyalty, devotion, and faithfulness recorded in all of hobbit lore to equal those displayed by Samwise Gamgee, steadfast companion and dearest friend of Frodo Baggins. Yet even after all the fame and glory his noble deeds rightly earned him, Sam returned home and humbly took back up his beloved craft of horticulture. Discovering the magical properties of the magic dust given to him by Galadriel of Lothlorien (see "box of soil" MP:FotR Scene 13), Sam toiled throughout the Shire. To the astonishment of all, Sam's labors blossomed the following year with a summer of extraordinary beauty and plenty causing Samwise to be revered among hobbits as the greatest gardener to ever live.
Sam married Rosie Cotton who bore him thirteen children, the eldest of which was Elanor the Fair who became a handmaid of Queen Arwen in Gondor. Though he did not intentionally seek public office, a side effect of being held in great esteem by his fellow hobbits resulted in Sam's election as Mayor of Michel Delving no less than seven times. Even a scandal involving the "sniffing" of the remaining magic elven dust during his second term failed to undo his popularity.
Sam: Whoa! Everything is so... GREEEEEN.
In 1434, Shire Reckoning, King Elessar made the Mayor (Sam), the Master of Buckland (Merry), and the Thain (Pippin) all Counselors of the North-kingdom. However, these appointments seem mostly to have just been an excuse for the hobbits to get away from home on occasion and attend lavish parties.
Sam: Hoy now... you can hardly fault us for that. After thirteen kids, have you seen the size of Rosie's hips these days?! I'm ready to follow Mr. Frodo to the undying lands in a rowboat if I have to!
It should come as no surprise, given his amazing dedication to Frodo and all, that Sam was last seen heading west out to sea in a rowboat.


Merry: Wait-- WAIT! This can't be the end, I haven't gotten to do a musical number yet!
Pippin: What are you going on about, Merry?
Merry: You know, a musical number. You got to do one and it clearly states in my contract that the comedy relief shall be treated equally in all ways.
Pippin: Well, go ahead then. It's not like anyone ever bothers to look at all the appendix bullocks that authors tack on to the end of a series like this anyway.
Merry: Ahem. Mee, mee, mee...
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
The country where rider's horns call,
Raiding, camping, or feasting,
In the great golden hall.
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
The women there are so tall.

You're so near to Isen,
So far from Mordor,
Quite a long way from Harad,
To many miles to Gondor.
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
You make me saddle sore.

You're so sadly neglected,
And often ignored,
When conquest is planned,
By an evil overlord.
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
The land where I am adored.

Your horses so swift,
Your prairies of grass,
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
You kick Gondor's ass.
Pippin: Hey!
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
The country no orc shall pass.

Your horses so swift,
Your prairies of grass,
Rohan, Rohan, Rohan,
You kick Gondor's ass,
Yes, you kick Gondor's ass.

Pippin: Humph. Feel better now?
Merry: Yes, a fair bit.
Pippin: Good. Time to go find us a few pints of beer then.
Merry: To right, Pip!

Hstaphath: You know, I'd just like to say that there are many people in the world today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like me and anyone crazy enough to have set through all this, since we are obviously out of our tiny little minds, to try and help these people overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways with ping-pong ball eyes and a funny voice and then you can paint half of your body purple and the other half green and then you can jump up and down like a sugar-high ferret in a bowl of treacle going "Poing, Poing, Poing" And then you can go "Ni! Ni!" and then you can roll around on the floor going "Eowyn, Arwen, Eowyn, Arwen" or--
Hstaphath: Really now... that was entirely uncalled for! I didn't expect a kind of Khandish Inquisition--
(audience reacts expectantly)
(cut to the Prancing Pony Inn)
(the three members of the Khandish Inquisition suddenly burst out of the front door and run frantically toward the west gate of Bree)
(closing theme music starts playing)
(the trio of Cardinals leap into a carriage pulled by 6 very large black horses)


Ximinez: Two-- errr, three to XenoCorp please.
(superimposed credits start rolling past)
Biggles: Look, they've started the credits.
Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Biggles: Come on, hurry. Hurry!
(the carriage careens wildly through the Shire)
Ximinez: There's the animation credit, only five left.
(the frantic bumpy ride throws the members of the Khandish Inquisition around the inside of the carriage)
(the credits reach the producer)
Ximinez: Bloody hell, it's the producer-- quick!
(they leap out of the carriage and into XenoCorp)
(cut to the forum)
(they burst in)
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Khandish--


Ximinez: Oh bugger!
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Postby Green » Fri Dec 17, 2004 10:03 pm

Great job Hstaphath.

I shall never hear "Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv." without thinking of this story again.
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Postby Hstaphath_XC » Mon Dec 20, 2004 10:34 am

Green wrote:Great job Hstaphath.
I shall never hear "Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv." without thinking of this story again.

Thanks Green, I know exactly what you mean. After doing this, I can never read, see, or hear anything Python or Lord of the Rings without picturing how I parodied it.

It has completely altered the experience for me, but certainly not in a bad way. Sort of like how seeing the movies and then reading the books again did.
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Postby FA_Frey_XC » Mon Jan 03, 2005 5:39 pm

This just absolutley ROCKS.

AWESOME job H' !!!!

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Postby Hstaphath_XC » Thu Jan 06, 2005 12:34 pm

FA_Frey_XC wrote:This just absolutley ROCKS. AWESOME job H' !!!!

Thanks Frey! The extended edition easy to print pdf version is currently in production. 8)

Btw, is there some sort of counter I can use to keep track of how often the Bard's Corner pages are visited? Oddly enough, I've never tried to use a counter before.

Hey, more importantly, did you get my email with the Bard's Corner update?
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