"In the lands of Middle-earth, legend tells of the dark Lord Sauron,"
"and the Ring that would give him the power to enslave the world."
"Lost for centuries..."
"...it has been sought by many,"
"and has now found its way into the hands of the most unlikely person imaginable..."
"No, no, no! Not him! No-- the other bugger over there!"
"Right. That's the one. Yeah... he's screwed."
XenoCorp (XC) Pictures
J.R.R. Tolkien's: Fellowship of the Ring
J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Fëløwshipti uv den Råingen
Also also appearing:
Wi nøt trei a høliday in Røhän dis yër?
With special extra thanks to:
Includink de majestik cøw
My sistër once stëpped in cøw pøøp...
We apologize for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.
The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used in this parody are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional. Honest. And I did NOT have sexual relations with that blasted cow!
Mynd yøu, flämink cøw pøøp kån bë prettëi nästi...
We apologize again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.
Cøw Trained by: STEPHEN "SIRGOD" SMITH
The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.
The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.
GIMLI - DWARF OF THE FELLOWSHIP
And, lastly, 76,324 Lawn and Garden Dwarves
|Scene 1: Bloody Sackville-Baggins!
Narrator: A party of special magnificence celebrating the eleventy-first birthday of the peculiar and illustrious Mr. Bilbo Baggins is in full swing.
(the cheerful music and boisterous conversations taper off as Bilbo gets ready to make the expected customary birthday speech)
(the cheerful music and boisterous conversations taper off as Bilbo gets ready to make the expected customary birthday speech)
Scene 2: Orodruin Jewlers
Narrator: Returning to the hobbit manor-hole known famously throughout the Shire as Bag End, Frodo searches with great worry and concern for his missing uncle.
Frodo: Hello... Bilbo?
Frodo: What?!? Gone?
Gandalf: No, but I can. The letters are elvish, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor and I will not utter it here.
Narrative Interlude: The Book of the Film
Narrator: And so it came to pass that the Nazgul, the 9 black riders of Mordor, came north into Hobbiton and virtually caught Frodo Baggins unawares.
Narrator: Running as if his very immortal soul were in peril (because, quite frankly, it actually was), Frodo was joined in his sudden flight by a few other loyal and steadfast hobbit companions.
Narrator: Though Samwise Gamgee, called Sam, was the first to tag along, two other illustrious names of hobbit lore were soon to follow. Meriadoc Brandybuck, called Merry, and Peregrin Took, called Pippin... as well as several other names given him by Master Gandalf that are not suitable for printing in this tale in order to maintain our PG-13 rating.
Narrator: Together they formed a hardy band of compatriots whose names and deeds were to be recorded in the Red Book of Westmarch and retold throughout the centuries! Of course, obviously, the fact that Frodo and Sam helped write the Red Book of Westmarch might have had a lot to do with that...
Narrator: But, for now, they just plain got lucky the way comic relief in any good epic story does. Taking a detour to purloin some mushrooms, they blundered along an unexpected round-a-bout way through green-hill country, Buckland, and then into the Old Forest in virtually every direction except Bree.
Narrator: It was in this manner that they came upon "the Master of wood, water, and hill" known even to the Eldar in the first age as "Iarwain Ben-adar." None other than the eldest of all living creatures in Middle Earth... Tom Bombadil!
Scene 3: Bombadil's House
Narrator: Lost within the confines of the Old Forest that covers the land between the river Baranduin and the ancient Barrow-downs, our four intrepid hobbits trudge along in search of a landmark to navigate by.
Sam: ...and then you sort of mash the mixture of cow droppings and hay into the tilled soil before planting. It really increases the harvest yield!
Pippin: It's only a river.
Tom Bombadil: (singing as he quickly walks into view along the river)
(back overlooking the river)
Scene 4: The Barrow-Anthrax
Narrator: Finally reaching the eastern edge of the Old Forest, our stalwart band from the Shire has entered an ancient and haunted region of burial mounds known as "The Barrow-Downs." Having missed the chance to pass through the downs during daylight due to a poorly time afternoon nap, an eerie cold fog now rolls in across the downs. One by one... the hobbits become separated in the silent, heavy mists.
Frodo: Sam! Pippin! Merry! Come along! Why don't you keep up?!
(from some place far way off to the east, so it seems... there is a distant cry, "Hoy! Frodo! Hoy!")
Narrator: Climbing up a hill-top, Frodo sees a great barrow looming open before him. Near the entrance is the dark cloaked figure of what appears to be a young elf maiden... her ears distinct even in the gloom. Turning to Frodo, her eyes are very cold as though lit with a pale light that seems to come from some remote distance.
Frodo: Hello? Can you help me? I've lost my friends and--
Narrator: Her beautiful ghostly face smiles as a strong soul-chilling grip seizes Frodo. The icy touch freezes him right down to his "Fruit-of-Thy-Looms" and he remembers no more.
Frodo: (weakly) Hello? Where am I?
Narrator: Amid the spirits of some of the most beautiful female beings Frodo has ever beheld, he spots his relaxed and helpless companions.
Frodo: Sam! Merry! Pippin!
Pippin: I have no idea what that is, but I really think I'm going to like it! You don't mind if we stay a bit, do you?
Narrator: With an earth shattering rumble, the great barrow mound splits open to the full onslaught of a noon-day sun. The enchanting ghostly maidens of Arthedain disappear as but cool wisps of mist on a hot sunny day.
Tom Bombadil: You called for me just in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Scene 5: The Wizard's Insult Duel
Narrator: Meanwhile, Gandalf has reached the mighty fortification of Angrenost, known as "Isengard" in the tongue of the Rohirrim, within the valley of Nan Curunir. Rising up from the midst of Angrenost's ring of stone is the impregnable Tower of Orthanc. Here within dwells Saruman... Chief of the five Istari and Head of the White Council.
Narrator: Gandalf's arrival has not gone unnoticed.
Saruman: (shoving and prodding orcs into a broom closet) Shhh! Shhhhh! Get in zere-- in zere! No talking... no talking!
Narrator: The wizard's duel was deadly and dramatic. In the end, Saruman prevailed through sheer ferocity and the ridiculousness of his accent.
Saruman: At last-a, you are beaten you silly pimple burster! I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction! Now I shall put you on the top of my tower as a prisoner until ze end-a!
Narrator: With a wave of his staff, Saruman hurls the beaten and helpless Gandalf to the very roof of Orthanc.
Saruman: Yes, away with you... and no more with your meddling or I shall taunt you a second time-a and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
Scene 6: Bring Out Your Baggins!
Narrator: The village of Bree, chief village of the Bree-land. It is a day much like any other here in this quiet peaceful country except for--
Bill Ferny: Bring out your Baggins!
Scene 7: The Prancing Pony
Narrator: Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry arrive in Bree and manage to make their way to the Inn of the Prancing Pony.
Barliman: Hobbits? Hobbits from the Shire?! That really should remind me of something. Hmmm... oh well, probably nothing important then. Come on in and make yourselves comfortable!
Sam: (looking suspiciously around the large crowded parlor) I don't like the looks of some of these fell--
Pippin: Aren't you in luck, Mr. Arerstrider! We brought one with us, show him your ring Frodo!
Narrative Interlude: Weathertop
Narrator: After a narrow escape in Bree, Aragorn and the Hobbits flee eastward toward Rivendell. With the light of the setting sun fading quickly, they make camp for the night at the ruins of Amon Sul. Known simply as "Weathertop," it is the tallest and most southerly of the weather Hills.
Pippin: Hey Merry, let's start a fire!
Narrator: It is here that 5 of the black riders of Mordor, the dread Nazgul, catch up to them.
Head Nazgul: Ni!
Narrator: Just when all seemed lost, Aragorn jumps into the scene brandishing a torch.
Aragorn: (waving the torch menacingly at the Nazgul) Pippin! Merry! Quickly now, drag Frodo behind these bushes!
Narrator: Aragorn had narrowly saved the hobbits from the foul ring-wraiths, but Frodo was seriously wounded. Sam, who had fallen asleep earlier behind the shrubbery, missed the whole ruddy thing. Luckily, an elf from the home of Elrond chanced upon them and bore the unconscious Frodo to the "Last Homely House." Rivendell.
Scene 8: A Mission From Elrond
Narrator: Rivendell... Imladris... the house of Elrond. Frodo finds himself wandering alone within the long halls and vast rooms of this wondrous haven known as the "last homely house east of the sea."
Narrator: Hearing voices, he creeps quietly up to a doorway and carefully peers in. Inside the small dimly lit room is a man sitting in a chair. He is oddly clothed even for an Easterling or, perhaps, a man of the Haradrim. Standing around him are three tall imposing elves. Frodo strains to hear as one of the elves leans in close to the seated man.
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell... Mister Aragorn.
Narrator: With the ringing of a single clear bell, the council of Elrond was summoned. Bilbo Baggins was there, as were Gloin the dwarf and his son Gimli. Glorfindel and Erestor, elves of Elrond's house, as well as Galdor of the Grey Havens and Legolas son of Thranduil the King of the Sindarin elves of Northern Mirkwood were all sitting one after another. Aragorn was also there, though now revealed as the last Heir of Isildur, as was another tall man of similar features called Boromir son of Denethor the Steward of Gondor. Got all that? You'd better, there will be a quiz later!
Elrond: Frodo! Frodo Baggins, hobbit and ring bearer!
Elrond: Of course it's a good idea, listen! As long as this ring exists, Sauron's power can never be vanquished. The One Ring must be destroyed!
Scene 9: The Three Misty Mountains
Narrator: The Fellowship had journeyed a fortnight when the weather turned bitter and cold. They had come to the three greatest peaks of the Misty Mountains, under which the dwarves of old had delved deep; Caradhras the Redhorn, Celebdil the Silver-tine, and Fanuidhol the Cloudyhead. Toward the Dimrill Dale to the Redhorn Gate, under the far side of Caradhras, Gandalf guides them while Legolas cheers his companions with song.
Oh, it's Frodo they're seeking, and if he is taken,
Oh, hobbits are true and our Frodo isn't afraid!
Oh, they are not scared, or frightened away!
Oh, Frodo's eyes gouged out, his bowels unplugged!
Oh, his skin slowly peeled, his brains turned to muck,
Frodo: Whoa!!! That-- that's... uh-- that's enough music for now, Legolas! Heh. Looks like the snow is really coming down.
Gimli: I'm telling you, we should go through Khazad-dum! My cousin Balin will be more than--
Legolas: Not at all, Aragorn! See these mesh frame things? They are called "snowshoes" in the old tongue.
CELEBDIL: [You're lucky. You're not next to him.]
CELEBDIL: [They've buggered off.]
Gandalf: Legolas, couldn't you have brought enough of those shoes for everybody?!
Scene 10: The Doors of Kazad-dum
Narrator: Following the nearly disastrous attempt to cross through the Redhorn Gate, the Fellowship has made it's way to the Hollin gate of Kazad-dum. By a large lake, dark and menacingly still, the skillfully crafted doors are between two ancient and immense trees.
Pippin: Hoy! Nice doors!
Gimli: They are marked with the emblems of Durin!
(Boromir casts a large stone he had picked up far out into the water)
Gandalf: Let us turn to the Noldor Book of Weapons and Armaments... chapter 143, verses nine to twenty-one.
Scene 11: The Balroooggggg of Moria
Narrator: Frodo and the Fellowship have become lost and trapped within the old dwarven mines of Khazad-dum. For some odd reason, no matter how hard he tries not to, Pippin manages to make an obscene amount of noise knocking things over every time the group stops to rest.
Frodo: Over there... it's a bloodied book!
Gandalf: Khuzdul... dwarvish... it's from Balin!
Gandalf: Keep running!
Narrator: As the murderous Balrog lunged forward, escape for the Fellowship seemed hopeless. Then, suddenly, Gandalf turned and used his staff to smash the stone bridge he had just crossed in a desperate bid to save his out-of-breathe wheezing arse. The Balrog fell, but unfortunately took Gandalf with him.
Gandalf: [cough-hack] Ulk!
Narrator: The "Bane of Durin" peril was no more. The quest of the Fellowship of the Ring could continue.
Scene 12: An Eagle Carrying A Wizard?
Narrator: The Fellowship, having escaped from Moria, have journeyed on until reaching the outskirts of the beautiful and tranquil woods of Lothlorien.
Frodo: Hello there!
Frodo: We have journeyed the length and breadth of the land in search of those who will aid us in our quest against the evil of Mordor. I must speak with the Lord and Lady of the Galadhrim!
Scene 13: Lord and Lady of the Galadhrim
Celeborn: Welcome! Welcome to Caras Galadhon.
Galadriel: But there are only eight of you. We were warned-- er... informed that the Fellowship was of nine.
Celeborn: Right. Nice having you here and all, let us know how it turns out!
Narrative Interlude: Meanwhile, Back in Isengard
Narrator: Frodo had indeed won several fabulous prizes and some nice parting gifts from the Lord and Lady of the Galadhrim, but the members of the Fellowship were still deeply disheartened by the loss of Gandalf.
Saruman: Yes, indeed-e, oh boy! And now-a I unleash... "La Vache de Guerre!" Ze fighting Uruk-Cow-a!!!
Scene 14: The Falls of Rauros
Narrator: Following the river Anduin, the Fellowship passes the "Argonath," towering and ancient Pillars of the Kings.
Aragorn: Long have I desired to look upon the likenesses of Isildur and Anarion, my sires of old. Under their protective shadow, Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of Valandil Isildur's son and heir of Elendil has not to dread! WhoOOooOOAA!!!
Narrator: At long last the Fellowship can go no further along the river with the elven boats given them by the Lord and Lady of the Galadhrim. Now they must face the Bridge at the Falls of Rauros.
Legolas: There it is!
Bridgekeeper: Who would cross the Falls of Rauros Bridge must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
Scene 15: Breaking of the Fellowship
Narrator: Just as Aragorn, the Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of-- oh, dash it all, you know who I'm talking about already! Anyway, just as he was about to cross the infamous Bridge at the Falls of Rauros, the horde of Saruman attacked.
Narrator: Seeing that they were heavily outnumbered, Aragorn uses his sword to hastily cut the lines of the bridge to protect the ringbearer, Frodo, who has already crossed.
Narrator: As Gimli, Legolas, Merry and Pippin fight off the horde of orcs, Aragorn squares off against the fierce uruk-cow...
Aragorn: You fight with the strength of many men and orcs, uruk-cow.
Frodo: Looks like it is just you and I, Sam. The others shall have to fend for themselves.
To be continued in... Monty Python: The Two Towers!
Gimli: Say, before you go... does anyone have a good recipe for barbecue sauce?
Please contact Hstaphath (AKA: James Haines) with any comments/suggestions/questions you may have.