Scene 8: Lake-town, Lake-town, Lake-town

Narrator: Flowing east from the kingdom of the wood elves, the forest river rushes in great sweeps until it empties into the great inland sea called the Long Lake. Being an advanced and environmentally conscious race who live in harmony with Middle-earth, the elves dump their leftover beverage and foodstuff containers into the river.
Legolas: It is a recycling program-- honestly!
Narrator: The barrels that make it intact from the palace of King Thranduil all the way to the Long Lake are eventually gathered up at the strange town built right out on the surface of the water on huge piles of forest trees. Curiously, some of the barrels seem to move against the swirl of the current as they gather.
Bilbo: (invisible) Confound these heavy barrels-- Ooof!
Narrator: Once called Esgaroth, before the coming of the dragon, this busy wooden city on the water is now simply called Lake-town by those who live and trade there. At the moment, oblivious to the barrels, the citizens of Lake-town gather up fish from the morning catch.

People of Lake-town: (suddenly bursting out in song and slapping each other with fish)
Lake-town, Lake-town, Lake-town...
That's the trysting place for me!
(music begins playing that combines with the various animal noises of everyday commerce)
Master of Town: (singing) Lake-town is the village where we dance,
Lake-town is the island where we play.
Here in Lake-town, boys and girls can find true romance,
In the traditional valley of Dale way!
People of Lake-town: (singing) Schlip! Schlap!
Master of Town: (singing) Schlip-a-schlap-a-vay.
People of Lake-town: (singing) Schlip! Schlap!
Master of Town: (singing) Schlap away all day.
People of Lake-town: (singing) Schlip! Schlap!
Master of Town: (singing) You simply can't go wrong,
With the traditional fish-schlapping song!
People of Lake-town: (singing) Lake-town, Lake-town, Lake-town...
Men of Lake-town: (singing) The place where I quite want to be.
Brd the Bowman: (singing) Barrel rolling--
Andrmd: (singing) Or camping--
Sorys the Boatman: Or just going fishing!
People of Lake-town: (singing) Lake-town, Lake-town, Lake-town...
That's the trysting place for me!
(one of the recently arrived barrels suddenly breaks open)
Thorin: (standing on very shaky legs) I am Thorin son of Thrain son of Thror... King under the Mountain! (swaying) I return!
Bilbo: Oh bother.
Master of Town: Where is Brd?
Brd the Bowman: I am here, master.
Master of Town: Take our unexpected guests here to get cleaned up and fed.
Brd the Bowman: But, master, I was--
Master of Town: How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me butt-master?!
Brd the Bowman: I didn't--
Master of Town: And, while you are at it, stop schlip-a-schlapping my daughter Andrmd!
Andrmd: But, father--
Master of Town: Oh-- don't you start that!
Brd the Bowman: Rmm and I were only--
Master of Town: Enough! Just go and attend to the dwarves as you were ordered.
Brd the Bowman: Yes, master.
(Bard gathers up the drenched hobbit and 13 waterlogged dwarves, gets them cleaned up, and then takes them to the best restaurant in Lake-town... which, unfortunately, isn't saying much)
Thorin: Alright, then. Everyone get seated so we can eat.
Dwarves: Right-- okay.
Bombur: I'm ravenous!
Balin: When are you not?!
Bilbo: (to waitress) Good morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Thorin: What have you got ready to feed a famished party of 14?
Waitress: Well... there's egg and bacon, egg sausage and bacon, egg and cram, egg bacon and cram, egg bacon sausage and cram, cram bacon sausage and cram, cram egg cram cram bacon and cram, cram sausage cram cram bacon cram tomato and cram--
Guards: (chanting) Cram cram cram cram...
Waitress: ...cram cram cram egg and cram, cram cram cram cram cram cram baked beans cram cram cram--
Guards: (singing) Cram! Splendid cram! Marvelous cram!
Waitress: ...or Trout Girion au Dale with a westernesse sauce served in an Esgarothian manner with almonds and carrots garnished with a truffle pate, fire brandy, with a fried egg on top... and cram.
Thorin: Have you got anything without cram?
Waitress: Well, there's cram egg sausage and cram... that's not got much cram in it.
Thorin: What if I don't want any cram?!
Bilbo: (looking at the menu) Why can't he have egg bacon cram and sausage?
Thorin: That's got cram in it!
Bilbo: It doesn't have as much cram in it as cram egg sausage and cram, has it?
Guards: (chanting) Cram cram cram cram...
Thorin: Could you do the egg bacon cram and sausage without the cram?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Thorin: What do you mean urgghh?! I don't want cram!
Guards: (singing) Splendid cram! Marvelous cram!
Waitress: Shut up!
Guards: (singing) Glorious cram! Wonderful cram!
Waitress: Shut up!
(the cluster of Lake-town guards stop singing)
Waitress: Bloody guards! You can't have egg bacon cram and sausage without the cram.
Thorin: (shouting) I don't like cram!
Bombur: Now Thorin, please don't cause a fuss... I'll have your cram. I'd eat it even if I wasn't starving. I think I'll have cram cram cram cram cram cram cram baked beans cram cram cram and cram!
Guards: (singing) Cram cram cram cram. Marvelous cram! Glorious cram!
Waitress: Shut up already!!! Baked beans are off.
Bombur: Well... could I have his cram instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean cram cram cram cram cram cram--
Guards: (singing forcefully) Cram, cram, cram, cram. Splendid cram! Marvelous craaam! Glorious cram! Wonderful cram. Cra-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Cra-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Cra-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Cra-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Marvelous cram! (Marvelous cram!) Glorious cram! (Glorious cram!) Wonderful craaam! Cram, cram, cram, craaaaam!
Thorin: (sighing) Whatever you have, we'll take it to go.
Bilbo: This is a rather silly place, isn't it?
Brd the Bowman: Don't get me started... I'm going so mad living here that I'm starting to think the ruddy birds are trying to talk to me!

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