Scene 4: The Ents of Fangorn

Narrator: Having escaped the slaughter of Saruman's war band at the hands of the Crimson Rohirrim Equestrians, Pippin and Merry find themselves lost in the thick woods of Fangorn.

(suddenly, a large walking tree picks up the two hobbits and carries them deep into the forest)

Merry: Hoy, where are you taking us?!
Treebeard: Hoom- Hrum! To a meeting of my kind you might call an Entmoot... to discuss the treachery and evil of the wizard Saruman... we go to a place some have called Derndingle- Hmmm- Hoom!
Pippin: What are you going to do with us?
Treebeard: If by that you mean to ask if I will do anything to you, the answer is no... Hrum- Hmmm- But I do not know your kind, you are not in the old lists I learned when I was young- Hoom!
Merry: We always seem to have been left out of the old stories, we call ourselves hobbits.
Pippin: Yeah, someone ought to write a book or two about us someday...

(much later at the Entmoot, the Ents of Fangorn continue their ritual assembly)

Treebeard: Hoom- Hrum! ...which brings us once again to the urgent realisation of just how much there is still left to know about. Item eleven on the agenda: the little beings called hobbits. Now, Hoom- Hrum- Quickbeam, you've had some thoughts on this.
Quickbeam: Hroom- that's right. Yeah, I've had a a good look at the two of them, and, Hroom- what I've come up with can be reduced to three fundamental concepts. First, the Rohirrim are not wearing enough hats. Second, hobbits appear to be a cross between a beardless dwarf and a ravenous groundhog. Third, matter is energy. In the universe, there are many energy fields which even we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a creature's soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio, as the Eldar once taught us. It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved, owing to the unique ability of sentient creatures to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia. Hoom- Hroomph!
Leaflock: Houmm- Hum! What was that about hats, again?
Quickbeam: Oh, Uh-Hroom! The Rohirrim aren't wearing enough. Hroom!
Treebeard: Is this, Hoom-Hruuum, true?
Quickbeam: Certainly, Hrooom! The wearing of helmets in particular has increased, but not pari passu, as--
Leaflock: But, Houmm- when you say "enough," enough for what purpose?
Skinbark: Can I just ask, with reference to your third point, Hroumph, when you say...

(much, much, much later at the Entmoot)

Leaflock: Houmm- Hroom! So, Skinbark, do you think the hobbits belong on the new list or not?!
Skinbark: Hroumph! I've told you once.
Leaflock: No you haven't!
Skinbark: Yes, Hroumph, I have.
Leaflock: Hum- When?
Skinbark: Just now.
Leaflock: No you, Hoummm, didn't!
Skinbark: Yes, Hroumph, I did!
Leaflock: You didn't!
Skinbark: I did!
Leaflock: You, Hoummm, didn't!
Skinbark: I'm telling you, Hroumph, I did!
Leaflock: You did not, Houmm- Hum--

(much, much, much, much, MUCH later at the Entmoot)

Treebeard: Hoom- Hrum! The matters before the Entmoot are decided then.
Merry: Excellent! Then you will help us?
Treebeard: Ummm- Hrum- Hooom! Well, no. We have decided not to do a ruddy damn thing- Hoom- Hrum! But I will give you a one-way ride out of our forest in whatever direction you wish to go- Hrum!
Merry: Please take us by Isengard then. I want to see where all that smoke over there is coming from.
Treebeard: Hrooom, as you wish!
Pippin: Wow. The ents not willing to help fight evil... this is certainly a surprise. I guess we now know why they called this "ent" meeting "moot" eh?!
Merry: Yeah, I just wouldn't have expected this...

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