Scene 11: Faramir and the Beast of Harad

Narrator: The land of Ithilien. Once the fairest fief in all of Gondor, but now overrun by the power of Mordor. From secret refuges and bases, Rangers of Ithilien wage a guerilla war against Sauron's forces as well as the convoys of his allies... the cursed Haradrim.

Faramir: Damrod! What has happened?!
Damrod: Disaster, my lord Faramir! The men of Harad have sent forth to Mordor a beast so terrible it slaughtered most of my men in a matter of seconds!
Faramir: No! Not another Oliphaunt?!
Damrod: No, no, not an Oliphaunt. Indeed, we would have considered ourselves blessed to have gone against a mere Mumak of Harad!
Faramir: We must report as much information of this new weapon of the enemy to Gondor as soon as we can. Lead us to it!
Damrod: Follow me then. But! Follow only if you are men of valor... for this creature is so foul, so cruel, that none of the men that have fought with it still live! Yes, the bones of full ten of my men lie strewn about it. So, brave Rangers of Ithilien, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further... for death awaits us all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Faramir: That's enough of your eccentric performance, Damrod. Lead on!
Mablung: The men are nervous, my lord.
Faramir: Courage men! Courage is doing what you're afraid to do... there can be no courage unless you're scared.
Cuwerd: Heh. Then I must be the bravest Ranger there has ever been!
Damrod: Behold... the place of the slaughter!
Faramir: Right! Keep me covered.
Mablung: With what?
Faramir: With-- just keep me covered.
Damrod: Too late!
[dramatic chord]
Faramir: What?
Damrod: There it is!
Faramir: Where?
Damrod: There!

Faramir: What... behind the rabbit?
Damrod: It is the rabbit.
Faramir: You silly sod!
Damrod: What?
Faramir: You got us all worked up!
Damrod: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!
Faramir: Oh?
Damrod: That's the most foul, cruel, bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Cuwerd: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Damrod: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Mablung: Get stuffed!
Damrod: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Mablung: Oh, yeah?
Cuwerd: You mangy orcs git!
Damrod: I'm warning you!
Cuwerd: What's he do, nibble your bum?
Damrod: He's got huge, sharp-- eh... he can leap about-- look at the bones!
Faramir: Go on, Dedmet. Chop his head off!
Dedmet: Right, my lord! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
Damrod: Look!
Dedmet: Aaaugh!
[dramatic chord]
Faramir: Crikey!
Damrod: I warned you!
Cuwerd: I done it again!
Damrod: I warned you all, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same--
Faramir: Oh, shut up!
Damrod: Do they listen to me?
Faramir: Right!
Damrod: Oh, no...
Faramir: Charge!
Rangers: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! Aaa--
Faramir: Run away!
Rangers: Run away, run away!
Damrod: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!
Faramir: Right. How many did we lose?
Cuwerd: Gonur.
Mablung: Duomed.
Faramir: And Dedmet. That's five.
Mablung: Three, my lord.
Faramir: Three. Three... and we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit is dynamite!
Cuwerd: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
Faramir: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
Mablung: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
Faramir: Like what?
Mablung: Well... uhhh...
Damrod: Hold-- something else is approaching the beast!
Faramir: What is it?
Mablung: It surely is a pathetic scrawny looking thing, my lord.
Faramir: Obviously it is another minion of Sauron, everybody hide!
(a stealthy creature wanders down the Harad road toward the rabbit)
Gollum: Ssilly, sstupid hobbitses! Smeagol take us here... Smeagol take us there... Smeagol find something to eat... Gollum-gollum! Ah, a juicy-sweet bunny!
Damrod: (whispering) That poor blighter doesn't stand a chance!
Faramir: Shhh!!!
(Gollum pounces on the rabbit and easily subdues it)
Frodo: Hoy! Smeagol!
(two more small creatures appear from the other side of the road)
Sam: Excellent Smeagol, you've caught us a coney!
Gollum: Yesss, good Smeagol find food for the master!
Mablung: What the bloody--
Faramir: Get them!!!

(somehow, in the sudden struggle, Gollum manages to escape)
Frodo: Uh, did we do something wrong? It's a rather small rabbit, but we are willing to share!

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