[before our feature film, we would like to show the following short film]
Crimson Røhirrim Equestrians
Narrator: In the bleak days of the Third Age, as Røhän languished in the doldrums of a mad King ensnared by dark magic, the good and loyal men of the Røhirrim Equestrian Society-- a once-proud horde of merciless warriors, recently routed at the Fords of Isen-- strained under the yoke of their oppressive new dressage instructor.
Grima: Left column by file quarter-pirouette right onto center line-- WAIT FOR IT!!!
Narrator: Pushed beyond the bounds of decent and reasonable victimization, the Eøred of the East-mårk take their destiny in their own hands and... mutiny!
Eomer: I'm WHAT?!
Narrator: And so the Crimson Røhirrim Equestrians set out upon the vast tracks of grasslands called the Riddërmårk of Røhän. Adopting, adapting, and improving traditional cavalry tactics, the Crimson Røhirrim Equestrians put into motion an audacious campaign to wreak a terrible vengeance against orcs, mimes, royal advisors, and door-to-door salesmen.
Eomer: Full gallup ahead, Eothain!
It can be manly riding bareback,
Eothain: (singing) Gallup away!
Narrator: And so, heartened by their initial success, the desperate and reasonably violent men of the Røhirrim Equestrian Society battled on. Hoping against hope for the redemption of their King, the salvation of their country, and to maybe someday wear fashionable cowboy hats with chaps...
XenoCorp (XC) Pictures
J.R.R. Tolkien's: The Two Towers
J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Den Tvø Tøvërsen
|Scene 1: The Two Strongest Towers
Narrator: It is night in Isengard. Menacing fires burn deep from within the orc pits scattered around the ruined valley of Nan Curunir. The treacherous wizard Saruman moves about the Tower of Orthanc. Answering the call of his vile master, Saruman reaches out to a crystal-like globe on a black pedestal. It is the Palantir of Orthanc... a seeing-stone of Eldamar.
Scene 2: The Finding of Boromir
Narrator: Three quick moving shapes track the band of Saruman's orcs and uruk-cows that have abducted Pippin and Merry. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli follow the obvious trail of foot and hoofprints along the river Anduin. Unexpectedly, they come across the shattered body of Boromir.
Legolas: Look! Is it not Boromir lying broken on the rocks there?!
Aragorn: Brave, brave Boromir, you shall not have died in vain!
(sometime later, a boat is readied and Boromir is loaded into it)
Aragorn: Farewell, gallant Boromir!
Legolas: Ummm... Aragorn? I just thought of something we might have overlooked in our haste.
Scene 3: Riders of Røhän
Narrator: Running on foot across the vast plains of the horse-loving kingdom of Røhän, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli spot a large group of riders bearing toward them.
Røhirrim Chorus: Giddy-up, up your horsey. Giddy-up, up your horsey.
Eomer: Hold! I do apologize for being rude, but what business does a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?! Speak quickly now!
Eomer: Now then, you simply must understand that, after a hard day's work, the idea of an uruk-cow barbecue was sounding quite in order.
Scene 4: The Ents of Fangorn
Narrator: Having escaped the slaughter of Saruman's war band at the hands of the Crimson Rohirrim Equestrians, Pippin and Merry find themselves lost in the thick woods of Fangorn.
(suddenly, a large walking tree picks up the two hobbits and carries them deep into the forest)
Merry: Hoy, where are you taking us?!
(much later at the Entmoot, the Ents of Fangorn continue their ritual assembly)
Treebeard: Hoom- Hrum! ...which brings us once again to the urgent realisation of just how much there is still left to know about. Item eleven on the agenda: the little beings called hobbits. Now, Hoom- Hrum- Quickbeam, you've had some thoughts on this.
(much, much, much later at the Entmoot)
Leaflock: Houmm- Hroom! So, Skinbark, do you think the hobbits belong on the new list or not?!
(much, much, much, much, MUCH later at the Entmoot)
Treebeard: Hoom- Hrum! The matters before the Entmoot are decided then.
Narrative Interlude: J.R.R. Tolkien
Tolkien: The ents decide not to... what the bloody wanking hell is THIS?!?
Tolkien: What a pile of-- why I haven't felt this violated since Mr. Spock sang the infernally blasted Ballad of Bilbo Baggins!!! I'm going to go over there right now and--
Sun: Ay, up! Thsss.
Scene 5: Gandalf Returns
Narrator: Following the faint trail of Merry and Pippin, Aragron, Legolas, and Gimli enter the Forest of Fangorn.
Legolas: Look-- there! Darting from tree to tree following us... there is an old man robed in white.
(the white robbed figure draws near)
Gandalf: Pardon me, gentlemen, do any of you have a light? My pipe has gone out and I--
Gimli: Wanker! I nearly split your head with my axe, you git!
Legolas: Long he fell, hewing the Bane of Durin all the while!
Gimli: So... what do you really make of all that?
Scene 6: Medusëld
Narrator: Riding virtually non-stop, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli arrive at daybreak before the gates of Edoras, the imposing capital city of the Rohirrim. Cautiously they make there way to Meduseld, the golden hall of Edoras, where dwells Theoden son of Thengel... King of the Mark of Rohan.
Eomond: Halt! Who goes there?
(the four companions make their way to the throne of Rohan where sits King Theoden, ensnared by dark magic, with Grima Wormtongue whispering in his ear)
Gandalf: Hail, Theoden son of Thengel! The storm comes... and now all friends should gather together lest each singly be destroyed!
Rohirrim: Spam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Gandalf: Let me explain...
Narrative Interlude: Aragorn Dreams of Arwen
Narrator: Rivendell. Imladris. The house of Elrond the Peredhil. Aragorn finds himself in a secluded gazebo lying on a couch. It is a place he often went to secretly meet the beautiful daughter of Elrond... Arwen Evenstar.
Arwen: Greetings, my love.
Arwen: (sighing) Fine. But, if it's not to much trouble, would you mind taking a bath before your next dream? It doesn't look like you've washed your hair since leaving Imladris-- Ugh!!! Or changed your shirt! Honestly, my love, if we are ever going to get married we are just going to have to work on your personal hygiene. In fact, while I have your attention, maybe we should talk about your issues with emotional commitment--
Scene 7: Battle of the Hornburg
Narrator: The Hornburg... main stronghold in the ancient series of fortifications known as Helm's Deep. Here, at the head of the Deeping Coomb in the northern White Mountains, King Theoden has gathered the people of Rohan to make a valiant stand against the massive army of the treacherous wizard Saruman.
Ceorl: Theoden King, the last of the rear-guard has made it inside, but... we have a bit of a problem.
Aragorn: Greetings Haldir of Lothlorien!
Narrator: Without warning or challenge, the massive army of Saruman attacked. All through the night with the relentless rain of a fierce storm, the battle raged and surged.
Narrator: But, no matter where or when there was fighting to be done...
(all is in mayhem as the battle continues to rage)
Theoden: Ah! Morning, Hama.
(mayhem ensues as the orcs, uruk-cows, and Rohirrim panic)
Theoden: Saddle up men! Ride forth Eorlingas!
Scene 8: Meanwhile, Back at Isengard
Narrator: Saruman is personally watching over his few remaining orcs as they continue cutting down trees near Isengard.
(a small group of orcs run over and gather near Saruman)
Saruman: Oh-a, I'm a lumberjack an' I'm okay, I sleep all night an' I work-a all day.
Saruman: I cut down trees, I eat-a my lunch, I go to ze lavatory.
Merry: Once again the "comic relief" saves the day, eh?
Narrator: Unbeknownst to Saruman, it was at this point that the frantically retreating survivors of his defeated army were mercilessly ripped apart by a forest of orc-hating trees as they approached Isengard.
Grima: (running like mad) We-- [huff] are-- [puff] so-- [huff-puff] screwed!
Scene 9: The Palantiri
Narrator: Morning. The sun rises over the shattered and smoldering ruins of Nan Curunir. The ents have used the waters of the Isen to flood the wizard's vale. The tower of Orthanc now rises like a lone island from the smoking destruction surrounding it. Nearly hidden in the mists among the flotsam and jetsam, a determined group of companions make their way to the tower.
Saruman: Allo, dappy ents, silly Mithrandir, and-a monsieur Theoden King, who has ze brain of a duck, you know--
Gandalf: Why you sniveling--
Gandalf: Holy Cow!
Theoden: Is it really? I can hardly believe Saruman would have wanted Wormtongue to hurl such a valuable prize at us.
Narrative Interlude: Calling Sauron
Narrator: Barad-dur. The formidable horror-filled fortress of the Sauron. Atop this monstrous black tower, the flaming eye of the Dark Lord looks out upon the west. Suddenly, he hears a call on his Palantir. Saruman is overdue to report and Sauron is anxious for news of Rohan's destruction.
Sauron: Saruman, It's about ruddy damn time you called!
Merry: Hehe... shhhh!
Scene 10: Moving Right Along
Narrator: While all this was going on, Frodo and Sam continued their journey to Mordor. Many days were lost as they wandered within the maze of razor sharp crags known as the Emyn Muil.
Sam: We are so lost.
Narrator: Finally reaching the end of the Emyn Muil, they capture the creature Gollum. Once known as Smeagol before the evil of the Ring corrupted him, he has been stalking the hobbits since they left Rivendell... waiting for his chance to once more seize the One Ring... his precious...
Gollum: Argh! Kinky wretched hobbitses! Tying poor Smeagol up with nassty rope!
Narrator: Eventually, Gollum gave in and swore on the Precious to take Frodo to Mordor. Through the Dead Marshes they travelled.
Sam: (singing) This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shi--
Narrator: Arriving at Restaurante Morannoni, the Black Café of Mordor, Frodo realizes that he forgot to call ahead with reservations and that they will have to find another way in.
Narrator: Passing into the northern marches of the land that men of Gondor once called Ithilien, the trio journeyed on and on. Until one day...
Scene 11: Faramir and the Beast of Harad
Narrator: The land of Ithilien. Once the fairest fief in all of Gondor, but now overrun by the power of Mordor. From secret refuges and bases, Rangers of Ithilien wage a guerilla war against Sauron's forces as well as the convoys of his allies... the cursed Haradrim.
Faramir: Damrod! What has happened?!
Faramir: What... behind the rabbit?
(somehow, in the sudden struggle, Gollum manages to escape)
Scene 12: Smeagol Goes Fishing
Narrator: The sun rises over a crystal blue lake at the foot of the waterfall at Henneth Annun.
Hstaphath: Hello, and welcome to Henneth Annun... the place where I take a break to invite you, the audience, to join me, the parody-maker, in "Find the Fish." I'm going to show you a scene with Gollum and ask you to guess where the fish is, but, if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves! Yell out so everyone can hear you. So, here we are with... "Find the Fish."
Gollum: I wonder where that fish has gone.
Narrative Interlude: Calling Sauron Redux
Narrator: It is night once more in Barad-dur. The flaming eye of Sauron rests uneasy atop his black tower. The lack of any word from Saruman troubles him and his dread Nazgul Who Say "Ni" have yet to report back on what has gone amiss. Disrupting these troubling thoughts, he hears a call coming in on his Palantir.
Pippin: Heh, I guess we'll just have to find out, won't we?
Scene 13: Middle Earth's Finest Hour
Narrator: Having blindfolded Frodo and Sam, Faramir and the Rangers of Ithilien have taken the hobbits to their most secret of secret refuges.
Faramir: Explain yourselves! What are you doing so deep within enemy territory?!
Sam: Uh... we did it for a lark. Part of a spree. High spirits, you know. Simple as that.
Frodo: They are letting us go, get your things together.
Scene 14: Nudge-Nudge, Say No More!
Narrator: With Ithilien behind them, Frodo, Sam, and Gollum continue their journey into the heart of Sauron's domain.
Frodo: Sam? Ummm-- there is something I've been meaning to ask you about.
Frodo: Oh, no, no, no... yes.
Narrator: With their attention thus diverted, Frodo and Sam missed the obvious signs that the creature Gollum was leading them into a deadly trap. Smeagol had indeed retreated once more into a dim corner of the creature's mind and Gollum once more held sway.
Gollum: (mumbling) Ssstupid miserable hobbitses... make them pay...
Audience Members: (who haven't read the books) She?! Wha-- did Gollum just say HER?!? Who the heck is he talking about?!
Frodo: Yes, no matter how you slice it, I am still so screwed. Though not as screwed as Sam has been apparently. What I mean is-- oh, sod it already... I've got a splitting headache.
To be continued in... Monty Python: Return of the King!
James Haines: Well, that's the end of part two in the Monty Python: Lord of the Rings trilogy. Not to shabby I daresay, but the ruddy critics will always point to "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back" and flame you when you claim "middle child syndrome," eh?
Narrator: The producers would like to thank all the fish who took part in scene 12. We hope that other fish will follow the example of those who have participated so that, in future, fish all over the world will live together in harmony and understanding, put aside their petty differences, cease pursuing and eating each other, and live for a brighter, better future for all fish and those who love them.
Please contact Hstaphath (AKA: James Haines) with any comments/suggestions/questions you may have.