Scene 8: Meanwhile, Back at Isengard

Narrator: Saruman is personally watching over his few remaining orcs as they continue cutting down trees near Isengard.

Grima: Master!
Saruman: It's about time-a you got here, Grima. Report!
Grima: Yes master. Your massive army has besieged Helm's Deep. Your enemies are doomed.
Saruman: Nice-a. Very nice-a... soon Rohan will be mine and-a Eowyn shall be yours.
Grima: Thank you! Thank you master! You are indeed the greatest of all wizards!
Saruman: (sighing) Yes, but given ze competition it wasn't as difficult as one-a would suppose.
Grima: Master, are you not happy to be the most powerful wizard of all time?
Saruman: I never wanted to be a wizard in ze first place! I-- I wanted to be...
Grima: To be what master?
Grima: (looking around at all the decimated trees) Well... that does explain a few things.
Saruman: Yes-a! Leaping from-a tree to tree! As zey float down-a ze mighty rivers of Middle Earth-a! With my best axe by-a my side!
Ze Larch!
Ze mighty Forlindon Pine-a!
Ze giant Yew of-a Mirkwood!
Ze towering Mallorns of-a Lorien!
Ze naughty Eriador Flashing Oak!
Ze flatulent Elm of-a West Osgiliath!
Ze Quercus Maximus Telperion Gascoigni!
I'd-a sing! Sing! Sing!

(a small group of orcs run over and gather near Saruman)

Saruman: Oh-a, I'm a lumberjack an' I'm okay, I sleep all night an' I work-a all day.
Orcs: He's a lumberjack and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Saruman: I cut down trees, I eat-a my lunch, I go to ze lavatory.
On Wednesdays I do experiments in-a animal husbandry.
Orcs: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays 'e does experiments in animal husbandry.
Saruman: I cut down trees, I breed-a cows an' orcs, ze are-a my dearest loves.
I put on-a women's clozing an' hang aroun' in-a pubs.
Orcs: He cuts down trees, he breeds cows and orcs, they are his dearest loves.
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around.... in pubs?!
Saruman: I chop-a down trees, I wear a bra, suspendies an' a thong-a.
I wish I'd been born an elf-a, 'cause-a zen I couldn't go wrong-a.
Orcs: He chops down trees, he wears a bra... suspendies? And a-- a thong?!
What's this? Wants to be an elfie? Oh, my! Pervy-hippy-poofter!
Saruman: One-a last time lads, zis is-a my only musical type-a number!
Orcs: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy...
Treebeard: What the bloody--
Saruman: Oh merde.
Treebeard: NOOOO!!! A ruddy wizard should know better! ENTS... ATTACK!!!
Ents: We come, we come with roll of drum, ta-runda runda runda rom!
Saruman: Run to ze tower! Run! Run! Run!

Merry: Once again the "comic relief" saves the day, eh?
Pippin: Yay, go us! Good call on coming this way, Merry.
Merry: Yeah. I sure wish he would let us down, though. I've got splinters in places I didn't know I had.

Narrator: Unbeknownst to Saruman, it was at this point that the frantically retreating survivors of his defeated army were mercilessly ripped apart by a forest of orc-hating trees as they approached Isengard.

Grima: (running like mad) We-- [huff] are-- [puff] so-- [huff-puff] screwed!

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