Scene 9: The Palantiri

Narrator: Morning. The sun rises over the shattered and smoldering ruins of Nan Curunir. The ents have used the waters of the Isen to flood the wizard's vale. The tower of Orthanc now rises like a lone island from the smoking destruction surrounding it. Nearly hidden in the mists among the flotsam and jetsam, a determined group of companions make their way to the tower.

Saruman: Allo, dappy ents, silly Mithrandir, and-a monsieur Theoden King, who has ze brain of a duck, you know--
Gandalf: Saruman, come forth! Isengard has proved less strong than your hope and fancy made it. Think well, Saruman! Will you not come down?
Saruman: Ha! You would like-a zat, eh?! I wave my private parts at-a your aunties, you cheesy lot of-a second hand dwarven donkey-bottom biters.
Gandalf: I command you, in the name of the White Council and the free peoples of Middle Earth, to open the door and surrender the key of Orthanc!
Saruman: No chance, you pervy hobbit fancying bed-wetting type-a! I burst my pimples at you and-a call your door-opening request a silly thing, you bleach-haired son of a prison barber!

Gandalf: Why you sniveling--
Theoden: If you do not open this door, we shall take this tower by force!
Hama: What I want to know is, has he got my leg?
Theoden: Oh, right! Good thinking, Hama! Well, have you?
Grima: Actually...
Theoden: Yes?
Saruman: Shush-a your mouth, Grima!
Theoden: Now look. I'm just asking you if you've got this man's leg.
Saruman: A wooden-type-a leg?
Theoden: No, no. A proper leg! Look... he was fast asleep and someone or something came in and removed it.
Saruman: Wizout-a waking him up?
Theoden: Yes.
Saruman: I don't believe you.
Grima: Well, you see--
Saruman: Shut up!
Theoden: Now look. Have you or have you not got his leg?
Grima: Yes.
Saruman: No.
Grima: No.
Saruman: No, no, no.
Grima: No. No, no, no.
Saruman: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Grima: No, no, no. No. No. No. No.
Theoden: Why did you say "yes?"
Saruman: I didn't!
Theoden: I'm not talking to you.
Grima: Umm... um... hmmhh.
Treebeard: Really now, Hoom- Hrum! This is your last chance to come down and straighten all this out. Hroom- we've been more than reasonable...
Saruman: (whispering to Grima) Fetchez la vache.
Grima: What?
Saruman: (whispering louder) Fetchez la vache!
Theoden: If you do not agree to our demands, then we shall--

Gandalf: Holy Cow!
Hama: Ah-- ohh!
Theoden: Oh my God, they killed Hama! YOU BAST--
Treebeard: Right! ENTS... ATTACK!!!
Ents: Hoom- Haroom! Saruman has got us sore, so hew the stone and break the door!
(mayhem ensues as Grima launches anything he can get his hands on at the companions)
Saruman: Hey, zis one is for your mothers! Zere you go. Give zem some-a more, Grima!
(more mayhem as a kitchen sink, mounted singing bass, very large book, and crystal globe fly through the air)
Saruman: And-a zis one's for your dad! Ha ha!
Pippin: Ohhh! Something shiny!
Theoden: Agh-- Right! That settles it! RETREAT!
Saruman: Yes, depart a lot at zis time and-a cut ze approaching any more or we fire cow patties at ze tops of your heads and-a make door knockers out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
Gandalf: Walk away. Just ignore him.
Saruman: And-a now... remain gone, you puss pissing peasant bugger-folk! And-a, if you think you got a nasty taunting zis time, you ain't heard nothing yet. And-a zat goes for you to you dappy ents-- Thpppt!
Gandalf: We shall set up a seige at once!
Treebeard: Hroom- yes, Gandalf!
Gandalf: We may not be able to get in, but he won't be able to get out either.
Theoden: Good thinking! Let's see how well Wormtongue and Saruman enjoy each others company while they sit and starve. Heh.
Gandalf: Ah! Pippin, I'll take that-- thank you!
Pippin: Hoy now! It's mine, I found it... if I drill a few holes in it I can finally join Mistress Diamond's bowling league.
Merry: Ah yes, yet another of your lifelong dreams.
Gandalf: I think not! This is one of the seven Palantiri, a fabled seeing-stone of Eldamar. It is NOT to be trifled with!

Theoden: Is it really? I can hardly believe Saruman would have wanted Wormtongue to hurl such a valuable prize at us.
Gandalf: Indeed, Saruman should be discovering it's loss right about--
Saruman: NnnnnnooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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